Monday, March 8, 2010

Real world coping: It is what it is.

Does blaming a higher power for a terrible event provide comfort or only more questions? From a religious perspective, there's two ways to look at it of course: One can ask 'Why me?' or one can say 'Give me strength through this difficult time.' From a (my) non-religious perspective, there is only one way to look at it : It is what it is.

The adressee of the questions and statements from a religious mind in my opinion exists purely to facilitate some of the five stages of grief. That is, a Person exists who apparently controls everything and may have the answers. These famous stages, first described by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. As I said, some of these stages are experienced by means of directing questions to Someone who is 'in control' of the terrible event. If we use the example of cancer diagnosis, the stages may be exemplified by these questions/statements:

1. Denial - "The doctors probably read the results wrong or mixed them up with somebody else's; I feel fine anyway." This first phase is experienced by all - we all (religious or not) hold on to some hope that there's been a mistake.

2. Anger - "Why did this happen to me? I don't deserve this - what have I done wrong?" Who are these questions directed to? For some people it is God of course. For other people this phase is much easier because they come to the realisation that their diagnosis is simply the result of faulty genes or bad choices earlier in life. It is not a punishment; it just is. The real question here is whether we as humans need someone to blame? That is, the person who can blame God may feel more comforted than the person who doesn't see it as a punishment. Or do they?

3. Bargaining - "Please just let me see the birth of my grandchildren before I'm bedridden." Again, as with Anger, the patient is asking for a favour from Someone whereas the more realistic person may realise that the progression of the disease depends only on physiological/biochemical changes. Who feels more comforted and...does it matter if the comfort is real?

4. Depression - "What's the point? I'm going to die soon anyway so why bother?" This phase is also experienced by most people since the question is addressed to yourself - you have to make the decision here, not a higher power. Those that don't experience this phase may have so much deluded hope that they will be saved that they don't even ask these questions - is this a bad thing? As a pragmatist I ask myself wether it is better to face the truth and be depressed or be deluded and happy?

5. Acceptance - "I can't change the facts so I will deal with this as best I can." Consider my earlier arguments regarding the Anger and Bargaining phases - a realistic person already accepts the facts early on because they know that their diagnosis is the result of physical and explainable circumstances, not a punishment or a challenge set by a vengeful higher power.

It is impossible to say whether a religious or non-religious person will find it easier to get through a difficult diagnosis but the bottom line is that everyone should let science do what it can to improve the situation lest one wants another Kara Neumann. I therefore think it is better to live in the real world - it is what it is.

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